The Registry


It has been a few weeks now that Kevin and I have been discussing our relationship. It has been hard for me to find the apropriate word to describe who Kevin is to me, and when I just asked him once how I should refer to him in an email, he said that we should get married. Now is the time, and we shouldn’t wait too much longer. So we checked out marriage options in New York and Ontario, and I have been hunting for cheap tickets and accomodations. Very cheap. We do have two big expenses to pay for before we can consider saving for the overseas trip.

A friend of mine suggested to do a fundraiser for our wedding. That suggestion mortified me! Why would I aks others to pay for my wedding? If I can’t afford getting married then, well, I won’t. Then setting up a wedding gift registry was suggested, and while it felt weird to do, this morning Kevin and I decided to create one. We filled out our data and then sat there and just laughed. We had no idea what to put on it! We have been a family for over ten years. We are in our fourth home that we share. We don’t need blender (we have 3), china, silverwear, monogrammed towels or a set of pots. We don’t use bath robes, have bath mats, picnic baskets and Shabbat candle holders. We don’t need things, and what we want is not apropriate for a gift registry. Instant Starbucks coffee and e-books would raise eyebrows.

To be completely honest, I also feel like having a gift registry is pointless when most of my friends consider gay marriage the second most evil thing after Obamacare on the face of the earth. At best they will ignore the fact that Kevin and I are getting married. I know some of them will actually voice their opinions. It’s okay. While it hurts, they have the right to do so. (I might just keep those comment in moderation indefinitely.)

So, we won’t have a wedding gift registry. Nothing I have dreamt of for years will be happening. But it’s okay. Dreams have always been just that: dreams.

30 Responses to “The Registry”

  1. Ciska says:

    I think it’s a bit weird to do a fundraiser for a wedding, but e-books and coffee? That’s totally acceptable for a wedding registry!
    Dreams can (of often do) come true …
    Ciska recently posted..Protected: I.T. (9) Just a short listMy Profile

  2. Milena says:

    Congratulations! I get all happy for you! Apart from adding children to a family, what could be a happier event than a wedding? I’m so happy for you and Kevin!

    When a couple here in Sweden is in a situation like yours, ie having already lived together for a long time, it is pretty common to have a wedding wish list such as this:
    “We already have everything we could possibly wish for, but in case anyone would felt led to give a little towards a honeymoon journey for us, we would be so thankful”.
    I don’t know if something like that would be considered totally weird among the people you know? Then it wouldn’t really be a fundraiser for your wedding, but rather your wish list 馃檪

    Why do you have to cross the ocean to get married? Does it have to be in a country where one of you is a citizen? Just thinking if there aren’t countries in Europe where you could get married. Of course you have already checked it up!

    • Hevel @KosherKola says:

      Most of the European countries have residency of citizenship requirements that we can’t meet, or they have civil union type of things that won’t be recognized by Israel. Canada or NY are our best options right now.

      In Hungary I’d pretty much just say that we prefer money, which is the standard gift anyways, but I think my American friends and family would find that rude.

      We are still not sure when we can get married. It will be a little while still.

      • Milena says:

        I understand. Such a pity! (Valid answer for all three lines in your reply).

        However, maybe you would be able to raise at least a little of the money if you put up a sweet little note saying “Help us get married” and a chipin. Even if only a few among us blogreaders would help you out, it would be more than nothing.

  3. Shauna says:

    What a great idea! Congratulations!

    Gifts of money are quite a common thing in the States. I think under the circumstances, your friends would love to contribute this way. So many crazy things going on in the world….and, a wedding is a lovely thing! Good antidote….getting married!

    All best wishes! shauna

    • Hevel @KosherKola says:

      Thank you!

      I think most of my friends, as I said, would just ignore the uncomfortable fact that two men can get married!

  4. Annie says:

    You are funny. I rather agree that a fundraiser for a wedding seems tacky….but I’m thinking this sort of thing is more and more common…..

    Surprise! I’m all for Obamacare – bring it on and double its power! I’m torn, really torn about gay marriage in general, but in specific, I am very happy for you and was already trying to imagine how I might manage to go (if I could cadge an invitation).
    Annie recently posted..COME AND FOLLOW MEMy Profile

    • Hevel @KosherKola says:

      Fundraising for a wedding, I think, is something that would embarass me to no end! There are so many more important things for which people should give their money!

      I think Obamacare is a step in the right direction, but too little, too late for many, many people.

  5. Adele says:

    Hevel, we have been invited to several weddings of couples in their late thirties or where one person had been married before and their registries were at a site that helped them raise money for their honeymoons. Things like “jet ski rental for 2″were listed and that cost or dinner out at a wonderful restaurant and the cost of that. So,while the guest might check off the massage or jet ski rental or that dinner and pledge that amount,the couple ,in reallity, received just the cash. If I am going to send a gift anyway ,it doesn’t matter if it is for a blender or a jet ski to me! Gone are the days,pretty much, when showers and wedding gifts were to help a very young couple who were just setting up a househole ,together. In stead of friends and family gifting you and Kevin with items for a honeymoon experience they would be allowing you guys to have the wedding where I’ m betting you could also have your honeymoon! Another thought is since so many of your friends and family do not live in Israel,, they won’t have to spend extra on shipping to send you a gift.
    I assume one of your dreams is to marry your love so saying none of your dreams come true can’t be totally right!
    I’m wishing you well,Adele

    • Hevel @KosherKola says:

      You do have a good point about shipping! When Kevin and I were actually discussing our options, a number of things that could have passed as wedding gifts were not included because it either doesn’t ship to Israel or the shipping costs would make it unreasonable.

      Now the best solution to the issue is that since we won’t have a reception and probably no guests beyond the witnesses at the wedding itself, we won’t get any gifts. Also makes it easier to write thank you cards.

  6. Nora says:


    Do the registry for wedding funds. We are in awful economic times these days and I say go for it. Years ago, like Annie said, asking for money would be considered gauche. But in these hard times I’d rather gift cash for a wonderful reason than buy extraneous “stuff” which could end up in a closet or collecting dust.

    Also, Starbucks instant coffee and ebook certificates are excellent gifts! My birthday is in September – keep this in mind!!! 馃槈

    • Hevel @KosherKola says:

      September and preferences are noted. 馃榾

      When my sister got married about 15 years ago they got an awful mirror as a gift. It looked really bad, it was huge, gold coloured. They have moved several times since then, and my sister just gathered the courage to finally get rid of it in August. The person who gifted it to them spent Christmas with them this year, and he was looking for the mirror… Oh well.

  7. Siebe Todor says:

    Nowadays at weddings we give money more often than presents. (At least here in the Netherlands.)
    Just do the registry and let everybody decide for themselves.

    • Hevel @KosherKola says:

      A while back I went to a wedding in Hungary, and all the gifts were small things to actually hold the money. I think it only makes sense, but at the same time I have a hard time asking for anything. Sigh.

  8. Adele says:

    Hevel, sorry I don’t know how to get this to post under your response to my comment above.

    Your remark”…we won鈥檛 get any gifts. Also makes it easier to write thank you cards.” ,shows me you haven’t lost your sense of humor and are looking for the silver lining in all this. I am glad.
    I’m keeping good thoughts for the money you need for that trip to NY to find its way to you

    • Hevel @KosherKola says:

      Just click on reply next to my post, and it should line it all up.

      We will have the money when we are supposed to. 馃檪

  9. Shauna says:

    Ok, if you’ve solved it that’s great. But, I just had the thought you could ask people for air miles in order to get tickets. I bet that would be more palatable to you. You’d have to pick an airline tho…I don’t know if air miles cross over between carriers. If carriers still restrict who can receive ones airmailed, you could easily fit into a universal connectedness to so many!

  10. Jon says:

    Time for a garage sale?
    You could raise money and then have a need for a gift registry. :p
    I think coffee and books are acceptable for a gift registry. It’s something you want and like. 馃檪
    I so wish I had the $4000 to send you for your trip.
    It is sad that some of your friends would be so against your legally sharing your love for Kevin.
    Love and Hugs…

  11. Jill says:

    Oh Hevel, I just get teary every time I think of it…the good kind of teary. The kind that wants the very best for a dearest friend and sees the best coming on the horizon, and rejoices. Huge hugs to you and Kevin, and much love, and many thanks for sharing your love story with us.

    • Hevel @KosherKola says:

      I’m just hoping that the money we are expecting will come soon. 馃檪 It would take care of several things. Including the airfare.

  12. doesitevenmatter3 says:

    I’ve never heard of a fundraiser wedding. I don’t even understand it. Ha.

    If I did one…it would be on a second marriage…and what I would do is…in lieu of gifts I’d tell people to send $$ to a good charity. Otherwise it sounds weird to me.

    It’s so sad to me…how people feel about gay marriage…and it makes me angry, too.

    I do, however, believe your dreams WILL come true!!! I wish THE BEST for you and Kevin!!! 馃檪

    I think coffee, books, Mr. Skaat…all of these would make wonderful gifts!!! 馃榾

    HUGS!!! 馃檪

    • Hevel @KosherKola says:

      I agree it sounds weird. But I also think that coffee and books, especially ebooks sound weird as wedding gifts as well.

  13. Boz贸t says:

    I really wish we had had some kind of wishlist….coffee machine we never used, china, sets of glasses, so many items we didn’t need…
    Boz贸t recently posted..KajaMy Profile

  14. JeanL says:

    A friend of mine recently married, and like you and Kevin didn’t need any of the typical wedding gifts, so he and his husband set up a “registry” at the Human Rights Campaign and asked for donations.

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