Only If You Were Quiet About It


I posted something on Facebook some time ago, that was at the same time pro-choice and pro-marriage equality. It was pretty similar to the posts of my anti-choice and gay hater (it’s not a phobia–they don’t seem to be terrified by me) friends’ posts, except the polarity was different. Instead of a daily anti-choice link, picture or quote, I ended up posting a single update.

“Who taught you to be so vocal?” was the comment I got.

“I like you better when you are quiet about these things,” was another.

So world, here is the thing. Your anti-choice, anti equality, holier than thou posts are just as annoying to me as mine seem to be to you… yet I don’t expect you to remain mum about them… so please do not expect me to do the same. There are a gazillion settings on FB that can prevent your seeing my posts, one of them is as easy as unfriending me… like some of you already have.

Please don’t expect me to hide. I can’t. I won’t.

12 Responses to “Only If You Were Quiet About It”

  1. Annie says:

    I don’t know if I wrote one of those comments or not. I hope not, if it was hurtful…but I do think I recall you refer to someone “calling you out” or asking why you were not more forward in your posts.

    Yet…what I was thinking was….just as you are – YOU, honest, straightforward, beautifully kind, funny, clever, sensitive, inquisitive….all the things that are you, I found myself rethinking some long-held views, becoming more open, adjusting my parameters…..

    But, I noticed that as you have become more of an “agitator” (this is not the right word, but I expect you know what I mean) I realize that my instinct has been to slam shut the windows, circle the wagons [of my mind and ideas], withdraw. Instead of finding myself opening as a flower to the sun….recognizing that all love is of God…so what about this love? Now, I felt that perhaps my ideas and points of view were being attacked, and things I stood for were being attacked….and that results in getting defensive.

    For obvious reasons I’ve not had a chance to chat with you about it, or much else, but I’ve thought quite a bit off and on about my reactions….

    Made me think of one of the most beautiful religious orders – Little Brothers of the Poor (and I think there are little sisters, too). These people live simple lives among the poor, (with a particular calling to live among the Muslim people as did their model St. Charles de Foucauld) They never attempt to teach or preach, but simply live and share daily life with people unlike themselves, while being as beautiful and pure examples of Christian people as their human nature allows. I’m thinking this is a good way.
    Annie recently posted..COME AND FOLLOW MEMy Profile

    • Hevel @KosherKola says:

      This post has been in the making for months now. I kept it as a draft, deleted it, brought back from trash, rewrote it again and again. And yes, the first comment that inspired this post was from you. And yes, it hurt, and yes, the very first version of this post was a lot longer and had a lot more anger and a lot more hurt. I still self censore both here and especially on FB. I just simply need to express my values and the things I believe in–much like everyone else seems to do. If it feels like an attack on your values and beliefs, there are (at least) two ways to handle it: examine what and why you believe–and brush me off as a poor soul, who will end up in hell, anyway–and block me, or at least hide me from your FB feed. If you do the latter, I’ll be sad, because I adore you. My lack of comments to you might say it otherwise, but really, I just can’t find the right words. At the same time I can understand and accept if you don’t need negative influences like me in your life now.

      Anyway, now might not be a good time for me to respond to you, and I apologise for doing so anyway.

    • Jill says:

      I think he is even more “honest, straightforward, beautifully kind, funny, clever, sensitive and inquisitive” when talking about issues close to his heart. I would be so sad to have that voice quieted in any way, even when he is writing about areas where we don’t have total agreement.

  2. Annie says:

    DEAR Hevel…I’ve come to love you from afar…. But, I really believe that your having a soft “outer shell” has probably brought many a person into your sphere who would simply have gravitated elsewhere otherwise. Does that make sense? I am not naturally very judgmental – except about unkindness and meanness. You are the antithesis of mean or unkind, which is why I felt curious, then drawn to you, and drawn further in, and…..beginning to think, well….maybe….and, indeed, to open up my mind and heart and even change a bit. I liked that feeling, though it was a tiny bit troubling, and “difficult”…because it requires figuring out how the changed part fits in with everything else.

    Maybe it is just a matter of my personality. If I can get to know someone, and they are genuine and well-meaning, then it is easy (impossible not)to consider their ideas – even if they are so alien to my own. In fact, I suppose I MUST consider their ideas. And, I can do it gently and slowly.

    But, if I am presented with slogans I feel attacked and dismissed and my mind closes right up and, disliking lack of harmony, I just scurry away in the opposite direction.

    Hevel, you must know me well enough now to know that I don’t actually think I have any right to presume who will or will not end up in hell….I have enough problem trying not to go there myself!

    And, there was a CHANGE, Hevel! Someone “said/wrote” something to you at some point wondering why you were not more “out there” – and you began to be. I just wanted to say that I had seen that you were attracting more flies with honey, as it were. You were being an Apostle to the Christian Mother, and doing it in a beautiful, gentle way as it was.

    Or so it seemed to me. I actually LIKED beginning to see things a bit differently, and I don’t consider you a “negative influence”. (Hevel! Come on!)

    You can only say such a thing from hurt, and if you saw me now, you’d see tears in my eyes, because I can’t bear to think I hurt you. I love who you are. I’ve missed you horribly, and you may just want to delete this from public, as it probably should be a private note…but there we are. I admire you. I cherish you. I feel fortunate to have met you, however electronically….. You have changed me. I just don’t want to feel so threatened I change back.

    Do my pro-life bits make you feel the same way? I never would have thought! Maybe when a cause is close to you, you can’t see it as abrasive to others. Tell me.
    Annie recently posted..COME AND FOLLOW MEMy Profile

  3. Leah says:

    True friends never ask their friends to change. True friends never demand that their friends stay silent. Harvey Milk was right: silence is death. Their comfort isn’t worth our lives.

    • Hevel @KosherKola says:

      Silence is death.

    • Jill says:

      I don’t think I would be a very true friend if I let my friend continue along a self-destructive path. I don’t know you, but I doubt you would, either. It’s one thing to encourage people in a positive direction (away from, say, alcoholism) and stay supportive when change is hard and progress is minimal, another entirely to demand change as a prerequisite of friendship and withdraw support when the change isn’t forthcoming.

      More simply, you can both accept and love friends as you find them in the moment and still be a voice encouraging them to keep moving forward in life.

  4. Leah says:

    “I don’t think I would be a very true friend if I let my friend continue along a self-destructive path.”

    Except that homosexuality isn’t ‘a self-destructive path’, it’s an inherent characteristic every bit as healthy and valid as heterosexuality. I really hope you aren’t comparing homosexuality to alcoholism. And if you are, I really hope you don’t have any homosexual “friends”.

    • Hevel @KosherKola says:

      No, she is not. But if a friend sets out on a self destructive path, as a friend we are responsible to help them get off that path, to change.

  5. Leah says:

    I tend to bristle whenever “change” is mentioned in conjunction with homosexuality. :-/

    “if a friend sets out on a self destructive path, as a friend we are responsible to help them get off that path, to change.”

    Certainly true, to an extent — as someone whose closest childhood friend is now a drug addict, I think people must actually WANT to change. Otherwise attempts at intervention are futile (as I learned the hard way).

    • Jill says:

      I removed my comment because I realize Hevel had spoken for me well enough. I wanted to add, in a different vein, that NO ONE is more appalled at the so-called ex-gay therapies than I am. Revolted and absolutely sure they should be banned, in fact. I don’t know if that is the sort of change you thought I was referencing but please know it was not.

  6. Milena says:

    I feel like I write the same comment on so many of your posts…..
    Love. Kindness.
    As long as people don’t hurt someone else or themselves, and they seem happy about their choice of life – why would I mind? I choose to live my life the best way I can, and others may choose their lives. And we should try our best to be kind.
    I sometimes wonder if I missed something.

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