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The Question That Will Never Be Answered

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Did she love me?

My mother. The woman who gave me birth. Did she love me?

I know she was bothered by my sexual orientation. But did she love me?

I know she thought she made the best choice for me when she let her sister take me…. but did she love me?

I don’t remember much from my early childhood, and especially not about her. I met her a few times before I was kicked out of my adoptive family, but we never really connected. And then we only had a few short years, living thousands of kilometers away from each other, to reconnect. She never said that she loved me. I heard her tell my siblings that. I never heard those words from her to me. But is there a chance she loved me?

Does it even matter if she did or didn’t? And why is it suddenly so important for me to know if she loved me?

The last couple of days, due to past and new injuries, I have been experiencing more pain than normally. Between that and some fever, this morning while waiting to be seen at the hospital, I apparently called for my mother. In Hebrew. I was calling for my birth mother. That’s something I had never done before. I have no memories of this–really I have few memories from between getting up to go to the bathroom and waking up after my ankle being fixed later this morning–but Kevin tells me that between the tears and babbling away about how those bast*rds ruined my favourite (only) pair of jeans, I was calling for my mother.

The mother I hardly ever think of. The mother I mention even less. The woman I hardly knew.

Her birthday is coming up. My twin brother, sister and younger brother have been talking about her on and off in my presence the last few weeks. Is this the reason why it happened? Or was it because I was helpess, in pain, and…

Did she love me? 

I wish I knew. I wish I had answers. Answers from her. Not from someone else, who would interpret her words or actions to mean that she loved me or didn’t love me.

I know I’ll regret wwriting this post. Probably I’ll make it password protected in a few hours or days, and eventually I’ll delete it. Because I know I’ll never have that answer, and if I do… I might not find what I’m hoping for.

11 Responses to “The Question That Will Never Be Answered”

  1. Eszter says:

    That’s totally understandable, why you have this question.
    But as you wrote, you can’t get the answer.
    I’d still recomment this book:
    The Continuum Concept: In Search of Happiness Lost
    (Az elveszett boldogság nyomában, kétezeregy kiadó, 2007, ISBN 0-201-05071-4)

    This can help much. It helped a lot to me too. I got many scars as a child and this book gave me some answers and helped to forgive.

  2. Bozót says:

    It’s pretty lame, but all I can say is, I’m sorry 🙁

  3. Christie says:

    Hevel, Please keep this post up. It is important for adoptive parents to see.
    It is a wonder that abused children, as well as adopted children have.
    “Did she love me?”

    I have always figured, parents have some type of love for their children, somewhere deep down. Maybe it is too painful for them, maybe they are too proud to admit it,
    or maybe they are UNABLE to love. I don’t know.

    Your story reminds me of the little boy, burned by his mother, calling out for her in the emergency room. Deep down, you love the mother you knew in the womb.
    She is the one you call out for. She is the one you longed to be comforted by; and it came out. It was raw and real. Don’t hide it behind a password. 🙂

    Love to you from Deep in the Heart of Texas. 🙂

    • Hevel says:

      I often wonder if I could have spent more time with her when I was a child, would she have told me that she loved me? If she didn’t know I was gay, would she have told me?

      I know she was a wonderful mother to my siblings, and yes, she always took good care of me when I was still living with them, but I’ll never know if she loved me. Sometimes I assume she did, but there are times when I’d really like to know.

      And amazing how some pain and fever can reduce my almost-30-year-old self to the emotional level of a toddler.

  4. Jon Hayenga says:

    {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
    I wish I had the answers for you.
    I hope you are physically and mentally feeling better soon.
    I so wish I could deliver them in person,
    HUGS, Jon

  5. Annie says:

    Yes; Hevel. I truly believe she loved you. Because you are so loving. Babies who aren’t loved, don’t turn out to be adults like you.

  6. chiara says:

    Luckily I grew up with my birth-mother, she has been a wonderful, caring, sweet but also strict mother who turned into a friend and a sister now that I’m an adult woman. She is very sensitive but never ever told me I love you or I’m sorry I was wrong. She is a very proud person. If she ever hurt me in some way, that was not intentional at all. Sometimes people act differently from what we expect. But I know she loves me, without the shadow of the doubt. You say “I know she was a wonderful mother to my siblings, and yes, she always took good care of me when I was still living with them “. Your mother loved you, caring hands are pure love and if she’s still alive I’m sure she loves you now, gay or not, rich or poor.
    Let the idea you have of her to be a healing picture.

    take care
    Chiara

    • Hevel says:

      My mother was an early childhood educator. She took good care of me, like she took good care of the other infants and toddlers entrusted in her care. I don’t know if I felt any emotional connection to her as a child. I know I wasn’t attached to her, and she wasn’t bonded to me. But I don’t know if she loved me, like I know she loved my siblings. Later, when I was reunited with her, I didn’t feel particularly loved by her, but I have a hard time noticing things like that. And she died before I ever gathered the courage to ask her.

  7. chiara says:

    an early childhood educator makes me think of someone who likes all children so why not her own?

  8. doesitevenmatter3 says:

    🙁
    We all want to know and believe that our Moms loved us. Some moms didn’t say it…nor did they convey it very well through their actions.
    🙁
    That breaks my heart.
    I wish you could know from her…and the answers to all your questions from her directly.
    But, since you can’t get those answers from her now, I think you should have hope that she did love you. You are an amazing, loving person…that says a lot…so keep giving your love and sharing your love in words.
    HUGS!
    PS…thank you for sharing your heart in this post.

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